Harry Potter and the 101 Ways Voldemort Died
by MartinDC
Summary: This is a collection of plot bunnies about the many ways Voldemort could have died. I am going to try and pull them all out of left field, but apologize if another author has previously written it. crack!fic I am completely open to suggestions and ideas for future deaths.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I simply enjoy putting it in the blender, turning it on and seeing what comes out later.

AN: This will be an ongoing crack!fic as more stupid ways for Voldemort to die come to mind. I do not envision very long chapters, and will be going for originality over anything else. I do apologize if I write something similar to what someone else has written. I have read several hundred fan-fics, but obviously not all of them.

-DCM-

"Lily! It's him! Take Harry and run!" James' voice was full of dread and determination.

Lily grabbed young Harry and instead of running up the stairs, followed quickly after her husband to the cupboard in the living room.

"Lily! What are you doing?"

"I'm not letting you have all the fun." The wicked grin on Lily's face stopped any protest James may have had. "Stick Harry to my back, and give me the rocket-launcher." James was quick to comply.

He handed the rocket-launcher to Lily, and picked up the Gatlin gun for himself. "Give me 5 seconds to put as many rounds of these basilisk coated rounds in him, then you finish him off."

Lily hefted the heavily charmed weapon up onto her shoulder and nodded. "Please put a silencing and deafening charm on Harry love, and let's finish this, dinner is almost ready."

James took position by the doorway to the living room with Lily standing behind him. "When I go out the door I'll drop to one knee. Count to five, then you come around the corner and fire over my head." Lily nodded.

There was a loud noise as the door was suddenly blasted in scattering broken bits of wood and glass down the hall way. James was tempted to rush out right away, but held his first impulse in check. If he went too soon, the Voldemort would have room to dodge, and things could turn out badly. It wasn't until he heard the telltale crunch of glass underfoot that he sprang into action. James came out of the living room and quickly dropped to one knee. He pulled the trigger on his Gatlin gun and was pleased to see the look of confusion on Voldemort's face as he tried to comprehend what the young Lord Potter was doing.

Voldemort wasn't even able to bring up any kind of shield as 70 rounds per second started ripping through his body. James counted to five and released the trigger. He felt Lily move up behind him and pulled out his wand and cast his strongest one way shield. It would allow spells and objects to go through them when they came from James, but would repel almost anything that came at him.

"Flee from this death Voldemort." Lily's voice was strong and full of conviction. She pulled the trigger and a rocket carrying a shaped charge flew down the hallway and caught Voldemort in what was left of his chest. There was a brief pause and then with an explosion, what was left of Voldemort splattered out the front door and across the front lawn of the Potter's home.

The room was silent as James and Lily considered their handy work.

"Lily?" James said at last.

"Yes?"

"The rolls are burning…"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I simply enjoy putting it in the blender, turning it on and seeing what comes out later.

AN: This will be an ongoing crack!fic as more stupid ways for Voldemort to die come to mind. I do not envision very long chapters, and will be going for originality over anything else. I do apologize if I write something similar to what someone else has written. I have read several hundred fan-fics, but obviously not all of them.

-DCM-

"Flesh of the servant, willingly sacrificed, you will revive your master!" With a determined look Peter cut off his own arm. Harry watched with a sick fascination as it fell into the cauldron. There was a faint splash, as Peter grabbed the stump of his right arm and fell to the side as he was overcome with pain.

"_Wow, he's really bleeding from his arm…"_ Harry continued to watch as Peter fumbled around in the pockets of his robes looking for something to staunch the bleeding with. _"He's not looking too good, I wonder if he is going to pass out?"_ sure enough, less than a minute later, Peter slumped over falling head first into the fire that was burning under the cauldron.

"Wormtail! What is taking so long?" Harry heard a faint voice come from the cauldron. He stared at Peter for another few minutes and started to get sick when the smell of burning flesh reached his nose. It was a minute later that the spell ropes that held Harry to the gravestone wore off, and he was free.

Harry slowly got closer to Peter's body and started searching for his wand. He found three wands, and quickly pocketed the two extra and kept his in hand.

"Wormtail!" Harry was reminded of the grotesque 'baby' that Peter had dropped into the cauldron. Looking around, he saw a pile of wood stacked on the other side of the fire. Moving quickly, he stacked the wood around the cauldron and watched for a minute as it caught fire. Inside, Volde-baby was screaming and asking what was going on.

Harry made his way over to Cedric's body, and knelt down beside the older Hufflepuff.

"I'm so sorry Cedric..." Harry choked out between sobs.

"Sorry for what Harry?" Cedric's voice was soft, but filled with pain.

"Cedric! I thought you were dead!"

"No, I dodged the spell, but hit my head on a gravestone and was knocked out. What is that smell?"

"Umm, it's nothing…" Harry looked around and saw the cup a few feet away. Grabbing ahold of Cedric Harry muttered '_accio cup_' and felt himself and Cedric pulled away.

As Harry was pulled away he faintly heard a cry behind him "Wormtail you imbecile! Are you trying to kill me?"

When Harry landed back on the Hogwarts grounds, he was smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I simply enjoy putting it in the blender, turning it on and seeing what comes out later.

AN: This will be an ongoing crack!fic as more stupid ways for Voldemort to die come to mind. I do not envision very long chapters, and will be going for originality over anything else. I do apologize if I write something similar to what someone else has written. I have read several hundred fan-fics, but obviously not all of them.

-DCM-

Harry Potter walked slowly down the street away from number 4 Privet Drive. He was angry. Angry was such a kind word for what he was feeling. He had gotten ahold of a couple copies of the Daily Prophet and read story after story of how he was a _delusional attention seeking brat'_. He had expected Dumbledore or even his friends to stand up for him, but so far, there had been nothing. Nothing in the papers, no word from his friends. It was close to the middle of August, and they hadn't even sent him as much as a card for his birthday.

So here he was walking down the sidewalk away from his Aunt's and Uncle's house. He had decided that if the wizarding world didn't believe him, then he didn't believe in the wizarding world any longer. He was going to go to Gringotts, clean out his vault and head to the South Pacific where he could live in peace.

Harry stopped and looked around. There didn't seem to be anyone around. So he took out his wand and started to raise it to call the Knight Bus.

There were several pops on the street in front of Harry.

"Pott…." That was as far as whoever it was got. The Knight Bus appeared and with a screeching of tires and several loud thumps, came to a stop in front of Harry.

The door was flung open, and Stan Shunspike poked his head out. "What were that?"

Harry did his best to look innocent. "What were what?"

Stan looked around "Errr, nothing…where to Neville?"

"Diagon Alley please." Harry pulled his trunk aboard and took a seat. With a loud bang, the bus took off.

-Five years later-

Harry was sitting on his lounge chair overlooking the beach on the porch of his beach house in Fiji. His eyes were close, and he was enjoying the feel of the sun as it warmed him. Life had been very good to him ever since he had left dreary England.

"Care to go nargle hunting next week love?"

There was a squeal behind him as a bikini clad Luna came running out of the house and plopped down on his lap. "You say the sexiest things Harry!" She then proceeded to kiss him deeply.

Yes, life had been very good to Harry.


End file.
